Happy, but sad. But happy!

This is it, the end is near.

2019 was, without a doubt, one of the hardest years of my life. I went through surgery recovery, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, I was betrayed professionally and personally, I kept toxic people around me for too long, I almost gave up. But therapy, meaningful conversations, vulnerability, and seeking help were steps I took to get back into my heart and my purpose.

No matter how much you “rationalize” feeling like crap, or use “reasoning” to justify your unhappiness, things won’t change by themselves. You need to be true to yourself. Therefore, I ask you: Are you happy? Are you putting in the work? Do you blame others for the things they did to you (pretending you didn’t do anything to deserve such horrible treatment?) Do you feel you’re on the right spiritual path?

Humbly, I can say 2019 brought a lot of pain to my life.  The challenges I faced hurt me deeply.  However, I have accepted all that has happened, and I’m going through the process of healing. Personally, I believe that happiness – the same as freedom and mental health – is something that is not given, but rather, is a gift that is earned.  

All in all, let’s start the new year with a smile on our faces and find a reason to love our lives more than ever! I am looking forward to 2020 and entering the New Year heart first, wiser, happier, and I am glad I got to connect with every single one of you.

Here is a poem from Carlos Drummond de Andrade (a Brazilian poet and writer I love). I hope you enjoy.

New Year's Recipe

If you want to have a beautiful New Year
The color of the rainbow or the color of your peace,
A New Year beyond comparing to all the time you've already lived,
(lived badly perhaps or senselessly)
If you want to have a year
Not freshly painted with everything back on the right track,
But new in the feelings of coming to be;
New
Down to the heart of the things you are least aware of
(to begin with what's inside you)
New, spontaneous, you don't find it to be so perfect,
But with it you eat, you walk,
You love, you understand, you work.
You don't need to drink champagne or any other drink,
You don't need to go on visits or receive cards
Do plants receive messages?
Do they send telegrams?

You don't need
To make a list of good resolutions
To file in your bureau drawer.
You don't need to cry with regret
Over foolish things you've already done
Or to half believe
That by the decree of hope
From January onward things will change
And everything will be brightness, reward,
Justice among men and nations
Freedom with the fragrance and taste of morning bread,
Your rights being respected, beginning
With the sacred right to live.

To have a New Year
Which deserves that name
You, my friend, have to deserve it,
You have to make it new, I know that it's not easy,
But try, experiment, be conscious.
It's inside of you that the New Year
Has always been dormant and waiting.

Blessings,
Adriana